Well where do I start I have been married for nearly 13 years now and to be honest I want to leave but don't know what's stopping me. Its so difficult to summarise what I mean. Basically he puts me down, thinks I'm useless, swears constantly at me and the children, we have no sex life but to be honest the way I feel about him if I ever had it again it would be to soon. I can't say I love him anymore because of how he treats me, put it this way when I reached him at the bottom of the isle on our wedding day he said "what have you done to your hair", I should have justed walked then! He has no patience at all and anything at all that goes wrong he blames me, he constantly gets at me for my weight, his latest digging session is about how little I do which is b s, we have two children 5 and 8 months and whilst my youngest is not demanding I never stop all day, I am very house proud and when the house is immaculate when I have had a blitz he still makes some snidey comment and critisizes.

I think his attitude is affecting our 5 year old as he has minor behaviour problems at school and at home talks to me sometimes like my husband does, despite me stopping him and correcting of how he should speak to me. I am desperate really and just don't know how to leave as I reckon he would make it really difficult and make me leave and not him. His only means of defence is attack and it doesn't matter what its about he rips my head off, so I can't talk to him because I am so nervous to and keep waiting for the right time, which of course never comes.

I went to relate on my own a few years ago and they taught me it was all him and that how he was treating me was mental abuse, because of course they got the full history. There is no affection or love in the relationship and I don't think he's having an affair, well there are certainly no regular patterns of different behaviour. I am also worried about how I will manage financially if I leave and would love to know exactly how much I'd get in benefits until I return to work. A few years ago I remember I had hit rock bottom and was gunna leave it took me 4 hours to build up enough courage to tell him and when I did I was gobsmacked when he asked if I wasn't going to give him the chance to make things right, that was the last thing I ever expected him to say, especially as I had convinced myself by his treatment of me that he didn't want to be married anymore but didn't have the courage to leave me, anyway he was ok for 2 days then back to his usual horrible self. I need someone to do it for me so I can avoid the confrontation but I know that that is impossible, but I just wish I could find it in myself to leave, I dream of the releif of not having this agravasion everyday. I have considered us both going to relate but I don't think it will as I don't think he will ever change and I feel so low I don't hink I could change how I feel and forget about how he has been treating me. Could anyone help and suggest something to give me that kick and tell me the best way to leave. I am an army wife living in Germany and I know the army would help to a certain degree and if he refused to leave I could call the military police and they could get him to leave plus I am entitled to stay in the house for 90 days, so I have some relief in that area but it all boils down to me, sorry for waffling on so much but I hope you can see my desperation.

Thank you for your comments, they are helpful. I have talked to my family and although I am very close to my parents my Mum has heard it for so long now she just (I think) accepts it and it will always be like this, my Dad would help to the ends of the earth luckily and so I don't really have to worry about that but he can't give me money to feed me my 5 yr old and 9 month old boys. I adore my boys with every bit of me and hate to think of them growing up seeing that this is how women should be treated despite my efforts to shield them, well my oldest anyway. I think that's half the problem I don't want to tell him to go with my eldest around and I always suppress my anger so as not to disturb him the other day I really lost it with my husband and my son said are you and Daddy going to live away from each other and don't you and Daddy love each other anymore, this as you can imagine broke my heart I didn't think he new this sort of thing, this is why I looking for words of strength. I know I need to leave but it's how to approach it, finding the right time, as he never sits with me he's always on the computer which is in our cellar, when I do talk to him (about anything) which is rare he never gives me eye contact, I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I live in army accomodation and so I know I have the right to stay he will be housed by them and if he won't leave I can get the military police to take him away, but that seems so drastic, maybe it may come to that?

It is so good to hear your support, something I certainly don't get at home! My husband is so strange and complex but your comments certainly are a comfort. He is totally unapproachable on any matter and it does all stem, in my eyes, to his childhood, his parents couldn't and never have given a dam, his father didn't come to our wedding because to be honest he couldn't be bothered, he has never had any support and whenever I ask him about his childhood he clams up and angrily say "Idon't know" and that's that. I think your comments "SURVIVOR" are pretty valid, I think as far as being a parent is concerned he just doesn't know how to because his parents never did a good job despite me displaying my knowledge having had a fabulous childhood, however he has been like this from day one of meeting him. He refers to me as "oy" and the children as "him/he" never by name, he never asks me to do anything just tells me, he is completley and overwhelmingly selfish and inconsiderate.

He comes home from work and has a sleep on the settee for an hour despite my 5 year old pleading with him not to, when he wakes up he is moody has his tea and disappears into our cellar all night where the PC is and goes to bed never before midnight. He looks at masses of pornography on the net which makes my skin crawl. This amongst other things is why I just don't want to be here anymore, he is off to Iraq possibly for 6 months and whilst other wives are dredding their husbands going I am celebrating, so I thought I may just do a runner. I don't want to give up my home contents and have to start afresh with 2 children and why should I which is why I want him to go and why I may consider a moonlight flit, if we split up he gets a room and board in the mess and can have most of his salary to drink away.

Don't misunderstand me either, I am not depressed believe it or not, I can still smile and have a laugh despite my friends who tell me to get rid etc etc, anyway again thank you for your comments they are all valuable and helpful to give me an alternative way to deal or handle things and gain the strength I am so desperate to get.

This is a reply to Nicola n, thank you I nearly cried hearing your story, you are all right I need to leave no matter what and you know what galls me now, he is sat upstairs like to doteing dad, baby on his lap etc, this is the problem one minute he's fine the next a ****, all week as is half term over here me and my 5 year old have had lovely days until he gets home then everything goes pear shaped. My husband is like the nursery rhyme when he's nice he's very very nice and when he's bad he's horrid. His work colleagues think he's great a such a happy go lucky guy, God that annoys me so much and I love having the opportunity to casually correct them. Anyway Nicola n I am so pleased for you finding happiness, that is all I want really just to not feel I have to make sure everything is ship shape before he comes home to avoid his comments, to know I can have a bath without him calling me to deal with one of the children, to know I can put my PJ's on at 6.30 without being called an *'** lazy *****, to go to bed at night and if my youngest wakes in the night, not to be woken up by my husband to deal with him because he has work the next day, when I ask for support on our 5 year old not to be he'll be ok stop being a fussy *****. You are all right, he's calling me now so better go have to put baby to bed even though baby is on his knee, thank you. Sorry for all long winded replies I'm making but is so nice to get it off my chest, thank you.

Nicola n - I have been thinking whilst away for the computer, I reckon if I tried to leave when he is away the army may get him back from Iraq to sort things out and as they pay for removals I can't avoid them knowing, however would need to look into that. My family live in Yorkshire but I don't want to leave without the furniture because as I have said before, why should I start afresh, he would only flog everything on ebay.

I know my family would take us in without question until I find somewhere, but trying to sort out accomodation from over here would be difficult but again that's something I need to look into with the army welfare service. I may just use his tour in Iraq (that's if he goes at all) as a time to save some money and have that behind me and then prepare myself to tell him where off for when he gets back, unless he has a personality transplant of course, yeah right unlikely. The strange thing is that all I really want is so little, happiness, and the most maddening thing of all, is that he doesn't have the slightest clue about me feeling this way and if I'm feeling really low all he says is what ups with you in a snotty angry manner, like that's gunna entice me to open up. I am a communicator but he has made it impossible for me to dare to talk for fear of abuse. Anyway time for some more serious thinking, I need to make a plan of action and really get organised as I know too many women, especially army wives who have just gone and regretted not saving up or taking their belongings with them.

You know what's weird, when he has had a few beers, he is so placid and nice and you can actually hold a conversation with him, which of course I know now, it was this man in the pub only, that I fell for, without the beer he's not so nice and whenever I used these times to get things out in the open the next day he's forgotten, I keep praying for him to have an affair and give me the sound reason to boot him out, but don't reckon he would or if he has, and I have had my doubts, I would never get to know about it.

Anyway not a bad night so far apart from my youngest's bedtime, god can you believe he had him on his knee and got my 5 year old to come and get me to take the baby to bed, and he just can't see this as being a problem at all. He has bathed my 9 month old once and my 5 year old only gets a shower when he does it. It annoys me so much. Anyway I will keep you posted on any developments and thank you again for all your kind words. If anyone wants to add their say I'd be happy for them to do so and if theirs a white night on a charger willing to whisk me off my feet and take us away from all of this then my number is, only kidding, how I can joke at a time like this is beyond me. I will keep checking for replies. Thank you all.