Hi all, firstly to you Elise, no your not being to blunt, it's what I need, you should hear the language my friend Carole uses, even her husband can't abide him anymore and he did this bike ride with him, he calls him a door handle, if you get my drift...... and to you Nicola thanks for your thoughts and wishes it is sooo nice to get loads off my chest with you all.

He is out tonight and it's been great, but don't know for how long, this sponsored bike ride he did, the people he raised money for our over here to collect the cheque and the team of riders have taken them out bowling and to a restaurant, i'll be mortified if he comes home drunk, especially as these are people are a charity, how embarrassing!!

After the kids went to bed last night he came over to me, I was in the arm chair and he straddled me and started getting all lovey dovey, it made my skin crawl he hasn't done anything like that for months and I did everything to get him away without causing him to have a go at me, I said "you can't just show me affection can you, everything has to be sexual" he said I was showing you affection and walked off, for once he didn't have a go but I felt guilty. I honestly believe he doesn't know how to show affection and just be loving? If he had approached me, in say the kitchen, and just given me a big hug and A kiss it would have been so much better, but no, he is not capable. I think this is why I find it so difficult to leave as he is, in his way trying to put things right but like my friend said "you've already made you mind up" coz I was saying how incredibly hard I am finding it all and can't understand why I can't just go.

I know it will happen but can't say when, I said to myself tonight that if he does come home drunk tonight and wee's somewhere, the bed or where ever then that will be my starting block. Or is that me putting things off and looking for the right time, which there never will be?????

I am going on Saturday night, for him and to avoid him having any ammo against me, but spoke to my baby sitter today and agreed she stay til 1 am, as he went mad about her only staying til 12, anyway 1am is late enough, especially as I'm normally in bed by 11 and haven't had a drink in weeks, not to mention i'll be up around 6.30am!!

The regiments family newsletter came today and I was freaked out to see that 5 pages had been dedicated to domestic abuse, saying stuff like how the Military Police were inundated with cases over the world cup period and what to do and what to plan for when you leave etc. It is rife within army life, which I believe is the men being so used to being ordered around day in day out they take it out on their families, no excuse I know but sad all the same, plus most of it was drink related!! A couple of weeks ago on a Saturday night a soldier hung himself in his cellar (he was drunk) a few doors away from where I live, his 13 year old son found him, on the camp on the same night a soldier fell off a fire escape steps, drunk and died, another soldier on the same night was stabbed and died, again he was drunk, all this on the same night all within the same base, what does that tell you, and the MOD cover up the drink problems within the armed forces. They actively encourage it, the young new recruits get hammered to prove something to their mates and so they can all have a laugh the next day about who was sick the most etc, it really annoys me. My husband used to be in the Parachute regiment who are renowned for being hard men etc, when I first got married and socialized down town with them it honestly scared me, I felt nervous to be left on my own as they would often chat you up when your husband wasn't looking, not to mention the fighting , it was horrendous.

Anyway I'll keep chipping away, he isn't being as vile as he has been, especially if I compare what he used to be like in the early days, but will be our 13th wedding anniversary on the 16th July, whooppee doooo, unlucky for some!!!

Right off to watch BB in mo in peace for a change, after put more washing in the drier, we had hail stones the size of marbles yesterday, it was horrendous never seen anything like it, I am sick of the rain we have had supposedly the weekend is gunna be around 30 degrees, climate change or what.

Anyway lots of love and thanks for listening. XXXXX

Hi hun, yep it does sound like you're putting it off and searching for the right time!

Are you still holding on in the hope that things will change, are you scared of upsetting the kids, or are you scared that you'll leave him then decide you were wrong and then you'll be without him? Sorry for the questions, just trying to figure out whats keeping you there.

Yes i'm only 20 (well nearly 21) and have never had a relationship as long as yours and i have no idea of what you must go through on a daily basis but you wanting out reminds me of a relationship i had a few years ago! Before i go on i just want to say i'm not trying to compare in any way....what you're going through is far worse!

When i was 16/17 i was with someone for a year and a half (he was 2yrs older than me), he was a boy racer and one of those people that are surrounded by friends....the joker of the bunch, everyone loved him. But he had a really nasty side that nobody else saw, especially if he'd been drinking. If we got into a row he'd hit me, spit at me and throw things! He was always soooo sorry after! I was studying beauty therapy at the time and my friends knew about it, they were always telling me to get rid but i'd always go back.
I used to contemplate leaving him all the time, i'd get all prepared to come out with it and tell him but i never did. My mam hated him, even though she didn't know the full extent of everything and was always telling me i could do better. Anyway one night when we were staying at my mams house we had a row and it ended up with him hitting me in my bedroom, kicking me down the stairs and then picking me up by the neck, slapping me a few times then throwing me into the tv.....in front of my mam! Well that was it, my mam was foaming so much so that she bared me from going anywhere near him and threatened to never speak to me again if i did.....sounds harsh i know but she was protecting me! So that was the end of it...god knows how long it would have gone on otherwise!

As i said this is in no way a comparison, this was just a teenage thing, there was no house no kids involved and it didn't last long but what i'm trying to say is i've been there where i'm sitting preparing myself to end it but it never happened.....god it sounds so childlike compared to your situation!
I can sort of imagine the things that go through your mind but you have so much more to consider than i ever did.
I still remember being all psyched up to do it, i'd open my mouth to say it but instead i'd come out with something stupid like "do you want a cuppa?".

How long have you wanted to leave? Do you really honestly want out?
God i really feel for you hun, i can't begin to understand how hard things are and how many years this has been going on. But what i do know is that you're one very unhappy lady (at least when he's around you are) and something has to change!

I hope all is well and i'll look out for your post. xxx

No idea why the lightbulb is at the top of my last post????

Anyway just checking in, how was last night? Hope you managed to enjoy yourself a bit!

eve xxx

Hello especially to you formerly Twinset, remember your situ from old, I can't begin to tell you how thrilled I am for you, you lucky thing, I can imagine how hearing 2nd hand about his new girlfriend can hurt, but only a matter of time before she's on this site too, ha ha, that's evil I know anyway am very envious of your girly nights and Jaffa Cakes, mmmmmm.

Well today I feel quite good, had a talk with him and he has agreed to use his blessed, to put it really really mildly, bike fund money to pay for ferry tickets to UK next month, YAHOOOOO, god I can't wait, British shops, primark, matalan, boots, Asda, Tesco, flippin spar, who cares they are British and no shelves of Guerkins in sight!! I am so excited, I can't wait and told Thomas this morning and he's over joyed, "does that mean I can go to Toys R Us and get some English toys Mummy", orrr bless him, it's all flippin Playmobil, lego and toy trucks over here, weird.

Went to the Summer Ball on Saturday night, begrudgingly as you know, what a load of pants it was, it was 37 degrees so it was hurrendous, they didnt have all the usually stuff such as a fab raffle (Plasma TV, holiday tickets etc) they had a band that was it, anyway I made the effort, felt nice in my dress and heels, makes a change from my Birkenstock's and 3/4 trousers, prized him away from his pint at 12.20 am and was home for 12.30, happy days. It wasn't a bad night all in all even though it cost me €25 for a sitter, never mind.

I don't feel too bad about things, that's not to say I am here for good despite my sister-in-law reckoning I will be with him for life. He keeps saying "things are better aren't they?" I agree and say still room for improvement, to which he replies "ohhhhh cheers", sarcastically. Anyway just gunna chip away, get UK trip out the way at least that's something to look forward to and can get all Tom's uniform stuff and have their feet measured etc.

Door Bell's gone gunna go now back soon XXXXX

Hi nicola and skirk if you want to talk privately and exchange e-mails pop over to the other side, you'll probably know most of the people over there from here.
It's life is . co . uk! Hmm wonder how long this post will be here!

Ok hun, well i'm going over there soon so hopefully i'll see you there!
xxx

Ok hope you manage to get over, everyone's really nice you should like it!!

Just been over to see if you're there yet, let me know when you've registered!

Just had a look, mrs admin was fiddling around with the members thingys the other day and she must have knocked it off by mistake, she's not online at the min but she comes and goes so i'll catch her asap and tell her.
Keep checking here and i'll let you know as soon as i speak to her so you can get registered!
Really think you'll like it over there!
xxx