Have sent admin a message so i'll let you know as soon as she sorts it!
Hopefully you'll be on by tonight! xxx

Hi hun, it's back on so you can register now!
It's on the left under the sign in bit!
xxx

We are waiting with baited breath

I was wondering how long my high would last, you were right Nicola it hasn't lasted long. Things pretty much as before, as he is using his bike fund money to pay for our trip to UK next week, which he will be able to claim back from the army plus petrol expense, he keeps saying things like, how much are these tickets worth to you, and how are you gunna repay me, errrrr, makes me wanna vom.

He wet the bed last night, all the way through the mattress, luckily I didn't get affected, this time!! I say this without horror in my tone like other women would, but I am used to it now, how bad is that? He said this morning before he went to work, "had a little accident last night" I responded by saying oh Jesus and have you stripped the bed, he said sarcastically, "no thought I'd just leave it" I said "you usually do", he then went on to say how he can't understand why as he only had 4 cans (whatever) and then started having a go at me, I gave him a roasting and said don't start shouting at me it wasn't me who wet the bed, he then went on to say the usual line of I didn't mean to do it. It's just another nail in the coffin as far as I'm concerned.

I strongly believe that when I come back from the UK I reckon that's when it will be happen, I know I will be really low returning to Germany so my frame of mind will be argumentative and depressed no doubt. Anyway will have to wait and see, I can just imagine how he will be when I go home, no doubt he will be miserable looking and not suggest anything to do or places to go. He started having a go at me last night about money again, saying he reckons I will spend all the wages this month in the UK and we will come home and be skint, I said why would I do that, I know we will be home on the 7th Aug and we still have a few weeks to go til pay day, so why would I spend it all? He just said I know what your like and said he was being used to be the taxi driver to the UK and back and he's just here to provide me with his wages. So now because I have said how excited I am about going home, he is having a go at me and making me feel guilty before I have even got there, I just can't stand it.

Over the weekend he did absolutely nothing as usual, he has become soooo lazy, I suggested we had a BBQ on Sat night and all afternoon he lounged around and then can you believe it, he started to mow the lawn at 5pm just as the kids were starting to get hungry, by the time he finished and set-up the BBQ etc it was 7pm by the time we ate. I really like gardening, I do all my own hanging baskets and window boxes etc and really love making a plain flower bed look nice, anyway have a flower bed and around the edge I had put down white pebbles (pebbles the size of a potatoe) in my opinion and other peoples it looked lovely and so many people commented as to how nice it looked, anyway whilst he was mowing the lawn he picked out every single pebble and put them to the side of the flower bed, I had a go at him and I can't use the language he used but he said it looked rubbish, to put it mildly and that the stones were dirty, all they needed was a hose down. My close friend Carole called round yesterday and we sat in the garden, she noticed this and asked why I had moved them, I told her what he had done, she went mad at me for allowing him to and has given me strict instructions to put them all back when he is at work, is raining today so I can't, but I will. It dawned on me that there is nothing I can call my own in this house, even the garden he has to interfere with and undermine me and critise!! He came home earlier and as I was sat watching telly with the kids, he had a go at me sarcastically saying "your busy", I nearly broke my back yesterday blitzing the house from top to bottom, it took 5 hours to clean upstairs due to the kids interrupting and my friend calling round am I not entitled to sit down today?? Again little things I am noticing more, things I previously would feel guilty about, 5 years ago I would have jumped up after he left and hoovered or done something, now because I am noticing these things I am becoming rebellious and so I feel guilty. It really is as long as he is alright then to hell with everyone else, I mean everything he does, literally is like that!!

I can't remember whether I mentioned it or not, but saw the Health Visitor last week and whilst she was there I made an appointment for him to see the Doctor, she strongly believes he is suffering from depression, the reason for the appointment is to talk to him and maybe he either prescribes something or refers him to the CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) but now I just don't feel bothered at all and have the urge to cancel the appointment, he doesn't know yet that I have made the appointment, I suppose yet again I'm putting off a potential nagging, I really don't think he is remotely capable of changing and it has taken me so many years to finally admit to myself that it's over I can't see past that, is that bad, should I be giving him a chance what if being prescribed anti-depressants he may change, what then??

Last night much later after his outburst over money, he suggested all nicey nicey again,that we give up smoking and the money we save can pay for a tax free car as I was moaning about our car, things like this is what throws me off balance as it's something to look forward to, future plans, but being realistic the chances of him easily giving up a 50 a day habit is unlikely. It frustrates me so much, in one breath he's having a go at me then in the other breath he is being nice making plans and suggesting things. It's things like this that has made me stay for so long. But then I feel bad because to him everything is running smoothly and he keeps saying from time to time " I'm being better to you aren't I?" but because I am used to him always shouting and bullying me I daren't say no as I avoid any single form of confrontation with him, but then how is he to know if I don't talk to him and tell him, so when I do tell him to "do one" he won't have seen it coming, or at least he acts like that.

Thomas is weird around him, Chris sat on the settee next to Tom earlier this morning and tickled his feet saying "and how are you Tom are you OK", Thomas just responded by saying "get off Dad leave me alone" really angrily and even I told Tom to stop being so stroppy with his Dad, I mean what's that all about, I really believe that because Chris is so stroppy with Thomas all the time this is how Thomas is with him and no amount of telling Chris seems to make a difference?

I can honestly say I feel nothing for him anymore and wish the most horrible things to happen to him, I am ashamed of myself.

Well that's my latest, sorry as usual for the lengthy reply, hope you are all ok, til next time bye for now and take care. Lots of Love Sarah XXX

Well yet again, exactly what i expected!
Don't ever say you're ashamed of yourself....there is no reason to feel that way....it's not you that should feel ashamed!!!
You're still holding on to the thought that he might change and i really think you need to let that go, do you honestly think after this long that things will change? As my mam always says "a leopard never changes it's spots....they just get bigger".

If you feel nothing for him then why are you waisting your life with him, believe me you could be sooo much happier. When you finally leave i think your only regret will be not doing it sooner!
Also it does sound like Thomas is really being affected by his behaviour, from what you've said he's happier when he's not around....i'm not saying he should never see his dad, i just think he needs some distance from him, he is also going to be picking up everything from you and if you're unhappy he will know and he will know why....like they say, kids know a lot more than you think!
I know you won't do this but i think when you go on this trip to england you should stay here and not go back, just send him back on his own....like i said i know you won't do this but i was just thinking maybe it would be easier that way if you're definately leaving him...at least you would have everyone you need around you!

I hope to hear something good from you soon hun!
xxxxx

I have been reading this since it started and have never wanted to interupt your conversation with nicolabutterfly, but i just have to say this

please do not return to germany after your trip to the uk.
you need to get out for your sake and the children.
be strong
leave him

there are refuges that you can go to, PLEASE, DO NOT GO BACK.

Good luck x

Hi all, thanks for your comments and yes believe me it has entered my head so many times about not returning to Germany with him, but I have to bear in mind that if I do that, then go to get housing from the council then I would be deemed as making myself homeless I have been warned before never to walk out as it makes life difficult and I will be put to the bottom of waiting lists etc. I have even thought of just lying and saying he left without us, but better not to lie in case it comes back to haunt me. Plus I have to think of practical things like my belongings, clothes etc and the kids stuff, toys etc it's not fair on them, especially Thomas who loves all his toys, not to mention furniture and the car, which is mine!! I know this may sound materialistic and yes I would be happier without him but then when it comes to setting up home on my own, I would have to start from scratch on benefits, yes my parents would help but to what extent. It's not like he would be allowed to stay in our house here once we leave, what would he do with everything, just sell it no doubt and keep all the money whilst I struggle, better not cut my nose off to spite my face.

Last night I found a note pad of mine that I was using as a diary of his behaviour and it was an interesting read, in a year he still bleats on about the same stuff. His latest, can't remember if I told you, but he said seen as I used my bike money (AHHHHHH) to pay for ferry tickets I have something I want you to do for me............I want you to go on a diet, I humoured him and said yes, whatever, I am quite happy with myself, yes I know I could do with losing weight but whilst I'm happy with myself then why should I do this for him, I would only do it for myself.

Just made a cup of tea and was thinking, if I stayed in UK and told him to leave, I could go over to Germany on my own later and hoy him out in the meantime ring Army Welfare etc and just lie if needs be and say he left us. Scares the hell out of me doing that, but I will see what happens. Another annoying factor is that when he is on leave as he is at the moment for 3 weeks, AHHHHH, he always seems better, no stress from work so this annoys me now as I can't be mean and stay in my resentful frame of mind when he is being ok. However last night Thomas went in the cellar to get some paper and I ear wigged him, and Chris got angry with him and told him to get upstairs you wingeing little t***, I shouted down at him for swearing at him and couldn't help it, I told Thomas to stay out of Daddy's way, he is a nasty man for saying those bad words to you, I couldn't help it, I know I shouldn't involve Thomas like that, but to be honest I am past sticking up for him saying Daddy didn't mean it etc, why should I? Anyway be back later hes coming.

Loads of love XXXXX

My God, I've found my thread?  Everything went wrong when this forum got improved.  Anyway hi all, hi NicolaButterfly hope your still posting?

 I am still with him, at the end of my tether, although today I'm on a high as he is off to Poland tomorrow for 3 weeks, can't wait to see the back of him.  It is well and truly over but he doesn't know it yet, I am giving this time apart as a time to get my thoughts together properly.  He has improved dramatically and I can't work out whether he has been talking or just talked to someone as his attitude is milder.  His drinking is still in excess and he is hitting the spirits now, he has taken a hip flask of brandy on exercise with him, if he is caught he would be in serious trouble to put it mildly.  Anyway my friend is on the same exercise and I have asked her to keep an eye on him as I reckon he is going to have difficulty with the not drinking side of things and a hip flask won't last him.

Anyway don't have time to fill in the blanks at the moment but I will be back soon, to have a chunter and a moan.

 
Bye for  now xxxxx

 

Hi Skirk, I stumbled upon your thread.I noticed you have not written for a while. I hope you are safe and have come to a decision which is beneficial to you and your childrens future welfare.

I was in an abusive relationship for four years. I was emotionally or and physically attacked everyday from giving birth to our first child.He gave me no money to live on at all.All I had was Child benefit, which he sometimes stole from my bag.He spent all his money on booze and things for himself. He only bothered with the children once a year for an annual photo, which I knew then was fake and for appearances, or if anybody came round, which was once or twice in the whole time. He banned me from having friends or anybody in the house, followed me. He even set up a answer machine to tape my incoming conversations with the help of his father.I was followed by him and his father. If I dared go into town, he would reel off a running commentary about where I`d been, what shops I had looked in.Then laugh and say why bother you have no money.The situation just got worse, the name  calling, physicall abuse, by this time I had no friends and family would not come to the house because he made it uncomfortable for people by slamming doors huffing and puffing, muttering under his breath, etc, if they came.He would come back demand sex, which was not going to happen.The situation turned and he hit me one night after being out and proceeded to rape me.Then stood up and laughed and said that was ####. I just lay there totally numb.I went to the council and they rang up spoke to him to confirm that the relationship was over and how I said and he denied it and they then refused to help me.Things went on and got worse, as if that was possible.Any way he came back the night I left, was christmas eve, and turned up with a sinister stranger.Proceeded to beat me up and got kitchen knives out.He beat me in front of my eldest who was 3 years old at the time.I called the police, who were not even going to arrest him until he lifted his hand to one of them.I called a taxi and left while he was being held.Which was hard because his family were ringing and hogging the line.I got my children and as much as I could stuff in the taxi and left. I even took the leg of lamb for christmas dinner which made me laugh and have a fake smile for the kids sake.It was the best decision I ever made.Upon leaving it also turned out that whilst I had been to a slimming classes (his decision),he had been sexually abusing my eldest.No he was never done for that either, it was all decided behind closed doors at a family conference, which I was told I was not allowed to speak about, that as I had taken her out of the situation she was not at risk.The monster went on to have more children without being supervised or any punishment for what he did to my child.

I left over ten years ago and only look back and say to myself why did I not leave sooner. The longer you are in that situation, the longer it takes to recover.The effect it has had on me and my children even after so long ago still has had a detrimental effect on how I live my life.I have never been able to open up, trust anybody or be in a relationship with anybody since. However me and my children are safe which is the most important thing. Yes I may have ended up on a `grotty` council estate, I am totally skint, but my kids are happy, safe and I am free. The guilt I feel is for the memories and images of the abuse that my children witnessed and suffered, I cannot undo that nobody can.