Comedy Cuts Jokes Forum

Comedy Cuts Jokes...

ITV Ed — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 15:31:38 GMT

Hey,

What’s the best or worst joke you’ve ever heard?

Share them now with the Comedy Cuts team and the rest of the forum!

Happy ROFLing

Confucious Says - Bring them on.

ipwnjoo — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 02:48:11 GMT

You get the idea.

Confucious Say "Man who got hole in pocket, feel cocky all day".

Confucious Say "When plane fly upside down, Women crack up"

Confucious Say "Man who go through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bankok"

Dr - Patient

blood$hot — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:06:33 GMT

Dr Smith sleeps with a patient and is tortured with guilt.In one ear,his conscience is saying,"you are a single man,dont worry".The other is saying,"you are a vet".

swine flu

ev41 — Mon, 04 May 2009 10:52:53 GMT

Tried to get through to the swine flu hot line today........ But all i got was a load of crackling.

joke

paulbraddick — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:52:38 GMT

PATIENT:doctor,docter i've got this steering wheel stuck between my legs!

DOCTOR:yeah i can see it's driving yu nuts......boom,boom

Morph dancing to Michael Jackson

bibadoa1 — Sat, 16 May 2009 15:00:48 GMT

Firebox is running a Morph animation competition which is now in the final stages. Luckily my video was chosen as a finalist and is now on YouTube and I need your votes!
The video is called "Morph Stains on The Carpet" and can be accessed by the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rl0KKlZkyA4

Please watch it and if you like it and think it deserves to win, feel free to rate and comment on it on YouTube...!!
Thanks so much for any support

swine flu

ev41 — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:17:11 GMT

I think ive got swine flu ........... Im coming out in rashers.

A teacher and her class

bigal17 — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 15:08:00 GMT

A teacher said to her class one day, 'Okay children, today I am going to teach you a new word and when I tell you what it means, you can all write a story using the new word. Do you all understand?'

Class: 'Yes, Miss.'

'Okay, the new word is "frugal". Frugal means "to save". Someone who is good at saving we call "frugal". Now I shall give you ten minutes to use the word "frugal" in a story. Off you go.'

Ten minutes later. 'Now children, pencils down. Is there anyone who would like to read their story to the class? Oh, Mary, you would. Now everyone be quiet and listen to Mary's story.'

Mary: 'One day the wicked dragon from a far off land captured the princess and locked her in a tall tower. The next day she looked out of the window and saw her favourite knight riding by. She lent out as far as she could and called out, "help, help, frugal me, frugal me!"'

Selection

bigal17 — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:21:35 GMT

No. 1 A pilot was flying his plane to Seattle airport when he was suddenly surrounded by fog. He gained a little height and saw a tall building sticking out of the fog, so he wound down the window and shouted to a man on the top floor, 'Excuse me, could you please tell me where I am?'

The man replied, 'You're in a plane, mate.'

At that the pilot quickly landed the plane safely. The passengers were flabbergasted and wanted to know how he managed to land safely. 'Easy,' he said, 'When I asked the man in the building where I was, he told me something that was true, but totally useless, so that must be the Microsoft building. Seattle airport is just down the road from there!'

No. 2 A blind man walked into a bar and asked if anyone would like to hear a joke about a dumb blonde. The bartender said, 'I think I had better tell you, sir, that I am blonde, the Manageress is blonde and the two waitresses are blonde. Now do you still want to tell that joke?'

'Blimey', said the blind man, 'Not if I have to explain it four times!'

No. 3 A man went into a restaurant and asked for crab. When the waiter brought it, the man objected, 'Just a minute, that crab only has one claw!'

'Yes, said the waiter, it was in a fight.'

'Well', said the man, 'Bring me the winner!'

No. 4 A man went into a cafe and asked for a meat pie. 'Shall I cut it for you?' said the waiter.

'Yes, please,' said the man.

'How many pieces?' asked the waiter, 'four or six.'

'Better make it four. I don't think I can eat six!'

No. 5 A man went to the doctor's. The doctor asked what the problem was.

'Well,' said the man, ' my wife and I aren't getting as much out of sex as we used to, doctor.'

'How old are you, Mr Jones?' asked the doctor.

'I'm 87, doctor.'

'And how old is your wife, Mr Jones?'

'She's 79, doctor.'

'Just a minute,' said the doctor, 'You are 87 and your wife is 79 and you don't think you are getting as much out of sex as you used to?'

'That's right, doctor.'

'When did you discover this?'

'Twice last night and once this morning!'

A joke for you

gizzmocrashboy — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:35:25 GMT

Don't you just get hacked off with those frosty receptionists you have to see prior to your Doctors appointment and they always ask what are you seeing the Doctor about etc? Can be most embarrassing.

My hat must go off to this OAP and the way he handled it.

Old boy tells receptionist what Doc he wants to see, receptionist asks what for? So he says I have a problem with my penis, to which the receptionist goes mad, "You should not say that in a room full of patients they will all be embarrassed now.

"But you asked me and I told you". "well you should have said I have a problem with my ear and then expanded with your doctor".

Old boy leaves and 5 mins later goes in front of receptionist again, who looks very smug and he says, "I have come to see the Doctor". "What about"?, she says. He says, "as I have a problem with my ear", looking very toned she says, having thought she had won the battle, "what is wrong with your ear"?

He says, "I can't *** out of it". The waiting room reverberated into a united roar of laughter, not one person was embarrased. etc etc

KNOCK KNOCK.....

big lad — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:43:27 GMT

Lets see if we can get this going.

KNOCK KNOCK...

Question Time

fafna — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:41:23 GMT

Did I see you, Harry, on Question Time or was it really TobyYoung?

Gordon Brown

merch1965 — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:56:46 GMT

Three surgeons are at a conference on transplantation - a French surgeon, a German surgeon and an English surgeon.

The French surgeon says, "We can take a kidney from Brasil, put it in the patient in Paris and have him looking for work in 6 weeks".

The German surgeon says, "Zat is nothing! We can take a lung from Australia, put it in the patient in Berlin and have him looking for work in THREE weeks!"

To which the English surgeon shrugs and says, "Well, we can take an *** from Scotland, put him in No.10 and have 2 and a half MILLION people looking for work in NO time!"

surreal

madcow74 — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:52:45 GMT

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Fish!

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? A. It depends on how thinly you slice them!

Dead animal

Doubble M — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:48:13 GMT

I took my hamster to the vet today and the vet told me it was dead. I stright away asked for another opinion, a laborador, he was an animal after all he would know best, the dog came in and had a sniff of him and shook his head. Oh no I thought, he cant be dead so I asked for a 3rd opinion so a cat came in and had a little sniff she shook her head too. I then accepted my hamster was dead.

I asked the vet for the bill and it was over £1000! "Why is this so much?" I asked. He replied "my fee is £50 but the other £950 is for lab fees and the cat scan"

David Mitchell Stand Up

stewied — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 17:31:45 GMT

Sign the petition to get david mitchell from Peep Show to do a stand up UK tour within the next two years at http://petitions.takingitglobal.org/DM-Stand-Up

marriage

jondoe — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 22:19:51 GMT

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Second Opinion

warvetnowdodger — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:19:08 GMT

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Jelly Babies

warvetnowdodger — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:40:59 GMT

A jelly baby walks in to a bar and starts talking 2 a smartie.

After a few beers the smartie says: 'A bunch of us r heading to that new club. Fancy tagging along?'

'No thanks, 'the jelly baby replies. 'i'm a soft centre- I always end up getting my head kicked in.'

'don’t worry, 'the smartie assures him. 'I'm a bit of a hard case I'll look after you.'

'OK!' grins the jelly baby. so they go to the club.

After a few beers, three lockets walk in. They take one look at the jelly baby and start beating him up, then walk off laughing.

'I thought you were going to look after me! 'gasps the jelly baby, rubbing his bruises.

I was, 'replies the smartie. But those lockets are flipping MENTHOL!!'

Working Women

warvetnowdodger — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 10:39:25 GMT

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up.

But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab.

When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!

Army Hospital Inspection

warvetnowdodger — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 00:29:43 GMT

An inspecting Brigadier decides to visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. He wants to show an interest in the unit and asks the nurse how they decide if a soldier needs to be admitted as a patient or just seen in out patients.

"Well," says the QA psychiatric nurse, "we fill the bath with water and give the squaddie a mess tin and a spoon. He or she is then asked to empty the bath."

"Ah I see!" exclaims the Brigadier, "A normal person would use the mess tin because it is larger and will take less time to empty the bath."

"No Sir" sighs the psychiatric nurse, "A sane person would pull the bath plug. I'll get your bed ready Sir!"

joke..but probably not very funny.ha ha

katkins1957 — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:49:13 GMT

horse walked into a bar.

barman said hey why the long face.

jokes

kingie — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 07:40:49 GMT

HOW DO YOU HIDE A BALD SPOT?

BUY A PORCHE!

SNOWMEN

kingie — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 07:44:29 GMT

ONE SNOWMAN TO ANOTHER

"CAN YOU SMELL CARROTS"?

JOKE

tinkerbell1 — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 21:37:20 GMT

WHAT DO U GET WHEN U CROSS A KANGAROO WITH A SHEEP?.................................................................A WOOLIE JUMPER,HAHAHA

FROM YVONNE IN IRELAND.X