Having met the woman of my dreams in 2008 I thought life could not get any better. That was until she recently exhibited some very strange behavioural traits on a Sunday night. Firstly the television was set to receive some mystical channel called “ITV1”, which I had previously thought only broadcast Formula 1 and some northern soap opera where everyone drank bitter and murdered each other. Feeling somewhat liberated that indeed channels other than BBC1 2 3 and 4 existed, I decided to go along with the good lady’s choice of Sunday evening entertainment and settled down to watch “Wild at Heart”.
My word, I thought that the BBC had made a grave error when they decide to commission the 47th series of “My Family”, which it should be pointed out is utter rubbish and is not even worthy of an airing on “Dave” the home of rubbish. However, “Wild at Heart” not only takes the biscuit, it truly devours every last morsel of small baked product on earth.
Quite how Stephen Tompkinson manages to inspire his fellow cast members to act as badly as he does is most remarkable. Am I the only other being in this country that thinks this program is quite frankly the worst piece of over acted drivel I have ever had the misfortune to suffer? I’m sat here watching some bearded tramp like figure tame wild elephants whilst the vet and his cronies stand looking wistfully at his bushman-like skills. Cue the native African music and slow panning camera across the furrowed brows, alas we have arrived at the crescendo of the hour of my life that has just ebbed away; they have all opted for reconciliation over shooting each other in the face. What a shame.
Next week - Wild rabid dogs try to eat the entire cast but sadly I fear the vet and the angry dark haired woman might save the day. What a shame.
Please ITV, why o why do you continue to pump out this turgid, schedule wasting, sickly sweet blend of American influenced happy clappy (so called) drama? Surley you could devote more of your poorly apportioned budget to more Ice based reality television? At least there is the vague chance that someone might be dropped on their head in the ice program… can you offer Stephen Tompkinson and his counterparts an opportunity of being dropped on their heads next year?
In the interests of editorial decency and balance I excluded 74 rude words whilst writing my aforementioned thoughts. I sincerely hope I don’t offend any of the loyal and misguided fans of “Wild at Heart”. However I would like to remind them that they might like to consider a severe bout of conjunctivitis next Sunday night as an alternative to watching ITV1.