No. 1  A pilot was flying his plane to Seattle airport when he was suddenly surrounded by fog. He gained a little height and saw a tall building sticking out of the fog, so he wound down the window and shouted to a man on the top floor, 'Excuse me, could you please tell me where I am?'

 The man replied, 'You're in a plane, mate.'

At that the pilot quickly landed the plane safely. The passengers were flabbergasted and wanted to know how he managed to land safely. 'Easy,' he said, 'When I asked the man in the building where I was, he told me something that was true, but totally useless, so that must be the Microsoft building. Seattle airport is just down the road from there!'

No. 2 A blind man walked into a bar and asked if anyone would like to hear a joke about a dumb blonde. The bartender said, 'I think I had better tell you, sir, that I am blonde, the Manageress is blonde and the two waitresses are blonde. Now do you still want to tell that joke?'

 'Blimey', said the blind man, 'Not if I have to explain it four times!'

No. 3 A man went into a restaurant and asked for crab. When the waiter brought it, the man objected, 'Just a minute, that crab only has one claw!'

'Yes, said the waiter, it was in a fight.'

'Well', said the man, 'Bring me the winner!'

No. 4  A man went into a cafe and asked for a meat pie. 'Shall I cut it for you?' said the waiter.

'Yes, please,' said the man.

'How many pieces?' asked the waiter, 'four or six.'

'Better make it four. I don't think I can eat six!'

No. 5 A man went to the doctor's. The doctor asked what the problem was.

'Well,' said the man, ' my wife and I aren't getting as much out of sex as we used to, doctor.'

'How old are you, Mr Jones?' asked the doctor.

'I'm 87, doctor.'

'And how old is your wife, Mr Jones?'

'She's 79, doctor.'

'Just a minute,' said the doctor, 'You are 87 and your wife is 79 and you don't think you are getting as much out of sex as you used to?'

 'That's right, doctor.'

'When did you discover this?'

'Twice last night and once this morning!'